Anthony Travis' Weird Ramblings 1

I’d like to discuss some impractical uses for household items, namely for masturbating. Now, you’d think this is a terrible idea, and you’d be right, but it’s far funnier to go against what you think. It’s funnier for everyone else when they find out about it, anyway.

Back to the topic a hand, I’ll get to the first of the room you may find impromptu sex toys; the kitchen. One of the biggest categories you’ll find the best items if the vegetables. Carrots make good starter toys, as they’re not quite as thick as some other choices, making them easier to work with than others. The biggest drawback, however, is that they’re rather fragile. Breaking a carrot off into you is never a good idea; believe me (though you can put a condom on it as a failsafe). Still, the carrot is easy to acquire and easier to use. Just touch yourself in places your religious leader would frown on!

The next choice, and quite the popular one, is the cucumber. Now, cucumbers are much thicker than carrots so they aren’t exactly for those starting out using household items, but it can be especially satisfying if you happen to have stretched yourself beyond what a carrot can please. The first thing to do is peel it, the bumps on the outside of a cucumber can do more damage to your soft inner tissues than you’d think just looking at it. Use a small sharp knife to remove the skin. Now, one of the bigger problems with cucumbers is the same as with carrots. They can be brittle, and breaking a vegetable off inside of you is a nightmare. Keep a condom on it while using one for security.

The most convenient thing about using food items is that you can dispose of them without attracting attention, they’re just foods, and nobody will look at you oddly if you buy a cucumber. Though a great idea is to buy similar things, just going to the grocery and buying phallic foods might get you some stares, and even burned at the stake.

Some good items found in the living room include: cell phones charging, video game controllers, and spare vibrators. Cell phones are the weaker choice, but work nonetheless as they have a vibrate function. Remember to keep clean if you intend to use them for other things, like calling people. Controllers can be a good idea if you’ve got a vibrate button, or are playing a particularly awesome game. Vibrators are good, end of story.

Next time, we discuss better choices, and some terrible ones. Enjoy your masturbation, asshats.


For those of you too cowardly to McGuyver up your sex life, I guess you can might find it more useful to just read this review of some sites that sellvibraters.



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